You know what's interesting is that I've been really having a hard time writing journals lately. There have been multiple times where I would start a journal and then halfway through close the browser or give up writing and I'm not really sure why. I think there's a part of me that wants to write about stuff that is going on in my life, but then there's a part of me that feels a bit shy. I get the feeling that I'm less shy when I'm really upset or frustrated. You know... You feel more inclined to express yourself openly and truthfully when you're having intense moments or emotions. Even if they are to strangers. Maybe there's also a fear that I'm opening myself up too publicly to the internet. Where anyone can read this entry and I really have no way of stopping them.
But I guess I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (actually, when I think about it, I'm always doing a lot of thinking) and I think for this entry, what the hell. I'm gonna make that personal post I've been trying to do for the past long while.
I have been feeling especially uncomfortable with a recent development of my mental state. Wow. That sounds so dramatic. Anyways, my mood has been lately, very dependent on certain social situations and its been throwing me off quite a lot. Honestly, overall, my school life has been very smooth. In fact, in comparison to last year, almost suspiciously awesome. I'm prouder then ever of the art work I've been making and happier then ever with the friends that are in my life. The bumps in life seem small in contrast to my much improved lifestyle. I can almost even say, this has been the best summer and start of a school year I have ever had in my life. Yet, there's an overall sense that I'm lacking something. SO VAGUE, I KNOW. I guess, I feel like a lot of puzzle pieces have fallen really beautifully in place, but there's still something missing. Its a feeling more then anything else and it makes me uneasy. That's why I feel like when something is out of place, usually socially, I become extremely uneasy and I freak out a bit... Though mostly inwardly. I just wonder what I'm searching for sometimes. Usually school work and friends help distract from this weird feeling, but every once in a while I'm not distracted and I feel at a loss. Strange isn't it?
That weird bit aside. I also have been having some up and down feelings about my artwork. I never been more in love with drawing and learning how to improve, yet then again, I've been feeling really scared about where I'm going to end up in 5 years. My art style really doesn't fit anywhere I know of off the bat... I'd love to do freelance, but can I really keep up that kind of lifestyle? I'm also going back to work as a server in the winter and I just wonder sometimes if this is just going to be my life. Like... If art will ever be my career. I think that is just my insecurities speaking, but sometimes I wonder if its just my sense of reality trying to be heard.
Man! Its just so weird! Its almost like I've never felt more confident and more insecure in my life! Such a strange contrast.
Anyways. I apologize again for the late commissions. I really took on more then I thought. I promise they will be done. I'm actually away from my main computer and am typing this from my very old and slow laptop. I decided to go home for Thanksgiving even though I thought I wouldn't because I just felt like I really needed to get away. So far it seems to have increased my anxiety and decreased it at the same time. What is going on?? Hahaha. But I did have a good time. I miss my high school friends a lot. Its strange to have known some people for so long, yet grow up with them even when you're apart.